Somehow the two month mark has come and gone. It's hard to believe it's only been two months - it feels like she's been with us for much longer.

She is still a dear, confident and sweet girl but I think that the honeymoon is officially over. She is showing some stubbornness and typical three year-old behavior. She was so angelic and easy-going for the first 6/7 weeks and I guess it's good news that she feels comfortable enough to let her guard down. She secretively lets her vitamins fall to the floor, decides which foods she will and will not eat, and has clear preferences over which clothes to wear...all very normal stuff I know, but it's new. She's evolving day to day, week to week. I still think that she'll do some more changes before the "real Lucy" shows up.

It's hard to know how or if we're ready for clear boundaries. She has done some things that I would warrant a "time out" for Lorna, like refusing to sit down in the bath tub or pushing and kicking. I still feel like I want to baby her, but perhaps the fact that she's doing these behaviors means that she's wanting to see where the line is. And Lorna is starting to say, "what's going on here?!" My reactions need to be different but equal - not sure what that means but I'm liking the concept.

Lorna and Lucy have been having some sweet moments. Lorna "reads" to Lucy while I get Kai to sleep and she is learning to offer her hand and wait for Lucy to hold it rather than grabbing her by her shirt and pulling. They played dolls together this afternoon for about an hour and cuddled and giggled while watching a video. There's also a picture here of Lorna's ballet school.

Paradise Kombucha stand

Lorna's trip to the orphanage has had a huge impact on her. She wants to know why so many children still need homes, why their parents had to give them up, why we couldn't bring them all home... While there are logical, rational answers to all these questions, I still, on some level, wonder the same things. Will talks about how excited Lucy's classmates were to have visitors and how sad the kids were when they left. I think Lorna will remember that day forever.

As we lay in bed talking about it one evening, we decided to do what we could. Hence the kombucha, lemonade, zucchini muffin stand. I feel it's so important to honor kids' natural compassion and to help them know they're not powerless.

We decided to give the money to Half the Sky Foundation, a US non-profit that provides and trains extra staffing in select Chinese orphanages. Lucy was a direct beneficiary of their programs. She had a baby book with weekly entries, photos and hand prints from the time she was brought to the orphanage. She also had daily one on one time by a nanny whose salary was paid by Half The Sky. Their mission is to "ensure that each Chinese orphan has a caring adult in their life."

With Kelsey's help, we've been home brewing our own kombucha. What is kombucha? It's a traditional Japanese health drink made from fermented mushrooms. Wow that sounds crazy, but it's all the rage now in Boulder and elsewhere - a huge seller in most Whole Foods. So we got a starter mushroom from a local company that Will knows and Kelsey had the expertise. Voila!

It was very sweet to watch Will give Lorna some business 101 tips - it was their project and they had lists and schemes and plots. I wanted / needed to unload some zucchinis so I volunteered the gluten-free, vegan zucchini muffins to go along with the Boulder cliche. We did also have the traditional lemonade.

We made $193 to give to Half the Sky and all had a wonderful time. Elizabeth helped with the muffins, Kathy helped with signage and our neighbor, Andy, let us use his corner and hauled out a picnic table for us. Most of the customers we knew and most paid much more for their muffins than the posted price. (Free zucchini with extra donation!) Lorna asked if we could do this every day.

Domestic Imperfection

Something about mothering young children makes you want to bake, dust off the sewing machine and own a glue gun. Martha Stewart, I am not. I enjoy watching the urges, but need to be able to laugh at the realities. Kids are young but once and I’d rather have happy kids eating mac n’ cheese than stressed out mommy and kids with handmade clothes and gourmet meals. How many times have I burned rice because someone needs hugs, or a book read. I think my dad once told me that people with very clean cars lead boring lives – at least that makes me feel like a very exciting person…

During the younger kids’ naps, Kelsey and I try to do some creative projects with Lorna. One day, I tried to do a spontaneous gluten-free cake with vegan buttercream frosting (welcome to Boulder) but had to make some substitutions for missing ingredients. I knew that it was a gamble but thought the process with Lorna was more important. The cake fell out of the pans in pieces, so we sculpted the pieces together with the frosting, but that was too runny. So it stated eroding off of Grandma’s fancy cake plate into the waiting bowl. We laughed good belly laughs, spooned some cake-like substance into cereal bowls before throwing “it” into the trash.

Then there was the time I wouldn’t stop trying to get the Katzen bread to work. (I can bake successful bread, that I can do.) But this recipe was failing me. Lorna and I tried three times, but it would start crumbling when I had only worked in half the flour. So we hacked off some dough, put on some “butter” and snacked on that. Those went into the trash too.

I’ve been reading this wonderful book called the “handmade home” for ideas about creativity and projects with young kids. It is inspiring and now I have supplies for many such projects. One of her ideas is to have a meeting in bed with your kids to talk about projects and ideas for the day. On day one, I try this technique with note pad in hand and suggest projects for Lorna. Her response was “can you do that instead Mommy? I would have more fun watching the ‘Snow White’ movie.” Huh. The woman made it sound so easy in the book!

Note the photo with the matching dresses – for a time there were matching pig tails – but Lucy’s melting down. Doh! Sometimes it takes all day to water the four house plants. “What was I just doing?”

So I try to be kind to the maternal domestic urges and patient with the imperfections of my craft.

Officially 40

Can't imagine being in a better place in life at 40. I am living my dream and then some, blessed with wonderful husband and kids, incredible community of friends and family and great health!

The festivities began on Monday night with a farm dinner out at Pastures of Plenty for a very small group of friends. It was very relaxing and the kids all had a great time. Awesome vegan food, right down to the strawberry shortcake!

My actual birthday began snuggled between my two little girls. The kids all got along so nicely this morning. Lorna was "reading" to the little ones and helping them get ready. Then we all trucked up to Nederland to meet Kelsey, do some errands at the house, pick wild flowers, ride the carousel, grab lunch at Kathmandu and head down the canyon. Then Lorna and I had a pedicure which comes with your choice of peanut or plain m&m's. Roy and I had an appointment to check out a suspicious lump on his back - all benign. Thai take out and cards / phone calls in the evening.

Last week I went to buy my regular vitamin pills and right next to them was the new version for 40+..."for mature women's needs". I stood there contemplating the nuances of the crossroads for more than five minutes, circling the aisle to draw less attention to myself. Finally I decided that I would be more mature the next time I needed vitamins.

I think I made a movie of the 24 hours on youtube. Let me know if it actually worked!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Df-CKcwNMGQ

Bonding

When you’re considering adoption, and toddler adoption in particular, you will read all kinds of scary books and essays about bonding. Institutionalized toddlers are at a high risk for not bonding well with their families and I was armed and ready with many strategies. Lucy seems to meet all the criteria for “securely attached” already. We have been very lucky.

What I never thought about was our process bonding to her. I just assumed that would be a no-brainer. As a teacher I always bonded quickly with all my students, warts and all. When I first met Lucy, I found myself laying her on my chest just as one does with a newborn, heart to heart. I searched out her birth marks and moles, examined the shape of her feet, teased out her sense of humor. And she nuzzled up under my chin the way that both my bio kids did as newborns. We were bonding in warp speed.

Today I found myself with three kids in need at the exact same moment. Lucy wanted a hug, Kai had a poopy diaper and Lorna was crying from a stubbed toe. Triage. And then I’m getting analytical by asking myself why I gave the hugs first. Back when we first met Lucy and were still in China, Lucy and Kai wanted the same toy and the end result was Kai getting a swift left hook in the eye. Will immediately came to Kai’s defense, the way a Poppa bear would, “don’t hit my kid!” But then we realized that we also need to be parenting the one who did the hitting, show alternatives and meet her with love too. It’s these knee-jerk reaction times that we’re noticing how we are bonding with Lucy too.

There seems to be a visceral response when one’s own child is crying. When I’m in a group and someone else’s child is crying I am sympathetic, but don’t feel it to the core they way I do when it’s my own child’s distress. Now I’m feeling that gut-wrenching feeling with Lucy too. It’s been fascinating to witness the way that humans bond, how she should be foreign to me in so many ways, but we’re wired to love, bond and care for one another. Motherhood is truly a gift – it exercises and develops the best parts of us.

Happy and Sad

My pediatrician told me that tantrums are a good sign. They mean she's feeling safe and they're "developmentally appropriate". So as gut-wrenching as it is to hear her scream over wanting her way, I remind myself that she's doing exactly what she needs to be doing. It's hard not to want to overcompensate for her years in an orphanage but my instincts are telling me to do what I do / have done with my bio kids. Offer hugs and let them work through their feelings. The last few days I've sat on the floor with a screaming Lucy in my lap and stroked her hair while she calms down. Lucy has learned the words "happy" and "sad". At these times she hugs me, seems to be comforted by me and says "Lucy sad". And then most of the rest of the day and when I'm putting her to sleep, she jumps in for a cuddle and beams while saying "Lucy happy!"

She really is a happy, playful, smart kid and dare I use the word "resilient"? I hesitate because I want her to follow her own unfolding - she can backslide, tantrum, grieve, show anger and push us away. She deserves the time and space to feel into all that's happened to her. And if she doesn't, if she's just a happy kid who can't believe that she landed a loving family in beautiful Boulder then that's allowed too.

I hope this summer gives my kids as many happy memories as it has already given me. This week we've gone to the zoo, swim lessons, more swimming, running through sprinklers, painting and projects, good food and lots of laughter. We really are all bonding more and more each day.

Lorna

Lorna wears her emotions on her sleeve. Full of compassion and talk of angels and fairies, she can also get overwhelmed with her feelings and frustrations. Learning to live with Lucy has had lots of ups and downs for her. In China she was smitten - just couldn't get enough of her, but at some point, Lucy started to put her foot down and assert her own agenda. Lucy and Kai were also forming a close bond. I'm not sure that was in Lorna's vision of having a "baby sister". She had a good month of being annoyed at Lucy's presence and now she has come around to friends. Everyone's fascination with Lucy, arriving gifts and then back to back birthdays were "a learning experience" for Lorna. But the past few days L & L have been playing very well together and laughing, good belly laughs. They are bonding and the ups and downs of sisterhood is great for them both. They are both strong and confident girls.

Lorna had a lot of anxiety about both starting kindergarten and leaving Miss Vicki, her incredible preschool teacher. Lorna was in China on the last day of school so she also missed out on the closure and end of the year rituals to mark her transition. Since we've been home she had one week of horse camp, another four days of dance camp and then I made a spontaneous decision to enroll her at Summer Camp for a week at Shining Mountain, her kindergarten for next year. Luckily for the Paradise household the tears and anxiety about that week were worth it. She had a wonderful time, bonded with her new teacher (shown above) and made some new friends. Whereas before she would sulk and tear up when people asked her about kindergarten, she now beams and tells all about her new school. Phew!!

Kindergarten starts on September 2nd, so between now and then she has 12 half hour swim lessons and then nothing else structured. I can't wait! It's been ...informational... to get three kids up and out the door in the mornings, but now we can find our laid back summer routine and our groove with one another without that added time pressure. She has been practicing some hand sewing / embroidery with some burlap, embroidery ring and a tapestry needle. She's also determined to learn to ride a two-wheeler. Tomorrow I think we'll finally make it to the zoo.

Lorna. She feels life so deeply, loves intensely and has such a strong sense of self - how do I mother her so that she never loses those wonderful traits (that many of us spend our lives trying to develop), while at the same time, get her dressed in the morning, get her grounded enough to glide through life's frustrations? We have so much to learn from one another and although I'm biased, I find Lorna one of the wisest souls I know.

Happy 3rd Birthday Lucy

Last night we sang Happy Birthday with cupcakes twice for Kai and Lucy and then opened family gifts for them both. (This is a picture of Lorna, Elizabeth and Lucy after receiving barrettes from Gigi.) I was wondering how they did birthdays in the orphanage. She had pretty much learned "Happy Birthday" by the end of the evening and then was singing it in Cantonese (or Mandarin?) I know that she didn't have any personal possessions at the orphanage, so no gifts but perhaps cake and a song? There are so many unknowns. Kai got lots of trucks and fire engine themed gifts and Lucy hit the jackpot - I think we were all trying to make up for lost time and it is so much more fun to shop for a girl. She opened them all and then seemed perhaps over-stimulated as she went from toy to toy. It was just 7:30 and we were trying to keep them all up for fireworks but she started to completely melt down like we've only seen once or twice before.

She cried and I held her and then she was just fine to go back out and read some new books and play quietly with toys. She's becoming more easily comforted - another good sign for attachment. Then she and Will had Cantonese cartoon hour on youtube.

When we first accepted Lucy's referral, I remember praying that she would be with us for her third birthday, that we wouldn't miss another milestone in her life. I wonder if she realized it was her birthday and that we didn't celebrate like they all did in the orphanage. Or perhaps that she is missing a milestone with her old life. I'm sure they had rituals that we'll never know or could duplicate. She's doing so "well" - easily attaching, adapting to her new life - that when she has a meltdown I find myself searching for answers. But really she should be allowed to tantrum and show stress and we all need to learn how to comfort her like we do Lorna and Kai.

Tonight we had a small gathering for Lucy and Kai's birthdays. I was trying hard not to over-stimulate and also wanted to get her interacting with some other 3 year-old girls. She seemed very happy to play with kids her age and made some nice connections. It was a very nice and relaxed evening with good friends, pizza, corn, watermelon, vegan carrot cake from WF and Pedro and Seneca's new gluten-free beers! (Thanks!)

She doesn't yet seem quite herself around larger groups of new people (I guess most of us still aren't) but she is getting better. She definitely wants to know where I am, but is venturing off to interact with others more.

I've been thinking so much about Lucy's birth mother today and know that she, too, must be marking the day. I can't imagine - I wish she could know that she's landed in a home with lots of love and we'll always do our best to make her happy. As Lucy gets older it would be nice to honor her birth mother on her birthday and all that she went through to make sure that Lucy was cared for and safe. She chose the specific orphanage as she was placed at a park's entrance adjacent to her SWI. (Most of the kids abandoned these days are from the countryside and there are two orphanages in Maoming. The birth families usually come to the cities early in the morning and knowing the orphanage where they want their babies to be raised, place them in a public place before they can be seen.) She pinned her birthdate to her clothes and probably watched from afar to make sure that she was found.

Happy third birthday, Lucy! What a treasure you are for us all!

Kai's second birthday / 4th of July

We woke up to a cool overcast day after so much hot. Kai's second birthday!!!! My baby's growing up.

Two years ago today I was brought to my knees with labor pains after 64 days of bed rest. Will and I went to the hospital in Denver and he was born after 12 hours of labor as a successful VBAC. Poppa took Lorna to the zoo and then to watch fireworks at the top of 19th at Norwood. She still remembers that day and night and how well taken care of she was by Poppa. I believe she had 2 ice cream cones in a tutu at the zoo.

Kai has such sweet energy. He is content to play with his trucks, and loves kisses and cuddles. Kai is subjectively adorable and his blond curls, green eyes and fair skin made him a rock star in China. He is starting to act like a 2 year-old and it's still sweet: "No!" as he takes a cookie from my hand.

Kai has been teaching me to trust his process. He didn't nurse for the first month, didn't crawl until 12 months, walked at 17, now he's running and sliding like others his age. He wasn't speaking according to the milestone charts so he started speech therapy. The specialists were using terms like "apraxia" and told me that his development would be my full-time job. He now says all his sounds, is putting two words together and has always been able to communicate his needs. He's no longer in the "red flag" arena. There have been times when I was very scared. Others when the mama bear in me needs to seek out the help he may need, but he has his own timeline and I need to learn to trust him. He's a mellow guy and he's just fine. He is an observer who likes to wait until he can do things perfectly. The prospect of Lucy's adoption and not knowing what her needs would be, made me nervous for my ability to nurture Kai. In fact, she has caused his language to blossom. He's even picking up her Cantonese! They really are at a similar level although as Lucy says "pizza" perfectly, Kai says something more like "piffla". But she's bumping him up a notch. New words today: bug, rain, wind, "Kai guy's diaper" and "open eyes".

Kai's favorite activities: driving by construction sites, parking trucks on the couch, juice in bed to which he repeatedly says "oh juice!", bubbles at bath time, exploring the perimeter of parks, reading books about dump trucks and fire engines, watching youtube videos of the same, watching Daddy's car pull up at the end of the day and eating fruit - any kind of fruit.

What a blessing you have been, Mr. Kai.