Bonding

When you’re considering adoption, and toddler adoption in particular, you will read all kinds of scary books and essays about bonding. Institutionalized toddlers are at a high risk for not bonding well with their families and I was armed and ready with many strategies. Lucy seems to meet all the criteria for “securely attached” already. We have been very lucky.

What I never thought about was our process bonding to her. I just assumed that would be a no-brainer. As a teacher I always bonded quickly with all my students, warts and all. When I first met Lucy, I found myself laying her on my chest just as one does with a newborn, heart to heart. I searched out her birth marks and moles, examined the shape of her feet, teased out her sense of humor. And she nuzzled up under my chin the way that both my bio kids did as newborns. We were bonding in warp speed.

Today I found myself with three kids in need at the exact same moment. Lucy wanted a hug, Kai had a poopy diaper and Lorna was crying from a stubbed toe. Triage. And then I’m getting analytical by asking myself why I gave the hugs first. Back when we first met Lucy and were still in China, Lucy and Kai wanted the same toy and the end result was Kai getting a swift left hook in the eye. Will immediately came to Kai’s defense, the way a Poppa bear would, “don’t hit my kid!” But then we realized that we also need to be parenting the one who did the hitting, show alternatives and meet her with love too. It’s these knee-jerk reaction times that we’re noticing how we are bonding with Lucy too.

There seems to be a visceral response when one’s own child is crying. When I’m in a group and someone else’s child is crying I am sympathetic, but don’t feel it to the core they way I do when it’s my own child’s distress. Now I’m feeling that gut-wrenching feeling with Lucy too. It’s been fascinating to witness the way that humans bond, how she should be foreign to me in so many ways, but we’re wired to love, bond and care for one another. Motherhood is truly a gift – it exercises and develops the best parts of us.